Today is March 6, 2010

I haven't been able to keep up with my blog at all, and I think until I have a little more free time, working internet, and less stress I will have to put it on hold.

Lately I have been doing a decent amount of traveling, and in that time I've been doing alot of thinking. Thinking about what I'm going to do the next 3 years in Venezuela, my friends and family, and really trying to find my purpose in life. I'm not really accustomed to playing with such thoughts, and it's been quite scary, and somewhat revealing. One frequent cinematic theme is the idea of fate, some young poor boy somewhere in a distant land was destined to become a great king and reunite the then modern world into peace and order. 6 months ago if you asked me if I believed in fate, I'd probably ask you if you believed in Santa Claus. 6 years ago if you asked me the exact same question, I'd tell you clearly I did with the confidence of a telemarketer. Now I've been thinking about it more, and the idea that fate does not exist, truly scares me.

I always figured there would be a path for me to go down, that everything would eventually fall into place, and whichever way I turned, I would end up exactly where I was supposed to. It's quite a nice thought in some ways. Scary in others. But there was security in it. I felt that someone or something was gently pushing me along the path, throwing in the good people and the bad, to push me in the right direction. Right now I've never felt so alone. It's an interesting thing really, it's been making me sappy, I've been dwelling about past friends and relationships, things which I'd normally never do, and question decisions that I've made in the past. Did I really choose what is right for me? Is there a right for me? I've always felt invincible, but being sick with one thing after the other since I've been in Venezuela(and no access to medical care doesn't help in the least) has really made me question my immortality. Right now I'm covered in a rash from who knows what, couldn't even open my right eye this morning, and I itch all over. And in my special places too. In all reality it's possible I may just off and die any day now, and what is it that I'll leave behind? Will I leave anything behind? Is it important to leave anything behind? Have I done everything in my power to make this world a better place for me and those like me? Or should it even matter? All these are questions to which I have pondered, and some I feel I have answers.

Trying to look at my life from a logical standpoint, I will try to answer to myself a few things. Do I feel that I've lived a worthy life, if I were to die tomorrow, could I look back at all the things I've done and really feel confident that I have? The answer is undeniably yes. I feel that in my 24 years I've managed to do more things than most, and not that comparing myself to other people is a way to judge myself, but I do feel I can use it as a rough gauge of success. What do I mean by success? Having a trophy wife, and millions of dollars? Absolutely. Since I have both, I will finish this pointless bore here.

In my life I've been able to travel, make wonderful friends, and push myself further through hardships that I never would have been able to. Case in point, I'm still here at Escuela Anaco. This has easily been the most difficult time of my life, not because I'm living in a foreign country and I can't adapt, although that doesn't help, but a variety of factors are involved. Some of these factors include living on campus with the most evil man I've ever met in my life(that's not an exaggeration), first year of teaching, constant self-diagnosis and illness, robbed, loneliness, and horrible music. Would I do this again knowing what I was getting myself into? The answer is ABSOLUTELY NOT, there have been things here which I have not told anyone, and happen on such a frequent basis that there is no possible way to recollect them all. Would I retract this time in my life for a comfortable life in the states? ABSOLUTELY NOT. Nothing has made me more appreciative for my home country than being in the heart of Chavez's so called socialist revolution.

Since I've been here, I've learned so many things, about myself, this country, teaching, people, and enlightened myself to an entire new world. I have opened up the doors to my future, if I survive till June, and have locked in a 2 year contract to a great school in an actual city in Venezuela. By the end of my 3 year stay here, I should have fluent speaking Spanish under my belt, the world economy should have picked up, if I choose to move home, or Europe(cushy Europe sounds really nice to me right now), or wherever the wind blows me.

Perhaps fate isn't the path that is written out for you, and I feel really cheesy even writing my thoughts in a public place, but perhaps it's the notion that you need to draw your own path. Right now I'm digging my path into the woods, and we'll all see where I end up on the other side.



Next subject...the past. As I said earlier, I have been thinking about my past lately. I moved around quite a bit as a kid, and always envied those guys in high school who could share their middle school memories with each other, or even elementary school. Wow, that would be an experience to know someone for that long. I began the first inscriptions on my map when I was a teenager in California. Both of my parents lived in Rosamond, and I hated that place about as much as I hate an empty desert town with one grocery store and a few gas stations. Oh wait...Luckily my parents were open minded enough to let me move in with a friend, and they were sympathetic enough to take me. And again, wow what a life changing experience that was for me. Utah is now the only place I call home. There resides a few people that I truly call friends. I have about 3 of them. I even fell in love once. I know many more people that I truly love, and enjoy their company, but aren't what I consider my real friends. My real friends are the people that I am going to be in touch with until I'm an old man, the ones that I really grew with and developed with, and the ones I will continue to grow with. To have them is something so special that I really can't put it into my words. And I didn't even realize it until I up and left.

I may never have friends of this caliber again, and that is a concern for me, but I know who my friends are, and those few people should know who they are too.

I just made a playlist in itunes cataloging my high school and college experiences in no particular order. Songs from Murder City Devils, Pinback, New Order, The Arcade Fire, Steve Malkmus and the Jicks, and many more. Music has been taking me back to old times, happy times, and sad times. I try to save these memories as best as I can, as they are all I have left of being a child. Well I'll always be a child, but of that certain child. I went from skating in the cold winters, to driving to the sacramento hills with Troy Eddlemon, to walking to school in the chilly Utah autumn. I went through phases in skateboarding, Mutiny, Random Lurkers, even our own Non-Chalant Dinosaur. It was quite a ride. For each period of my life, there are songs that define it. Whether the songs are good are not, that is not the point. It's the nostalgia that they bring. I wonder what will be the defining songs of the Venezuela playlist? Hopefully not something by Pitbull...

I used to question if I played my cards right, if I did everything I was supposed to. I always questioned where I'd be right now if I never broke my foot, if I never tore the ligament in my ankle. Did I have a choice in those occurrences? I always lingered on the thought what would happen if my older brother never broke his ankle, my brother which I adored and loved and looked up to, who had his faults, who later fell into drugs in a sad dark realm. I questioned what would have happened if I would have been there for him when he came to live me, maybe if I just spent more time with him than following my own self interests, maybe he would have never overdosed. I took, and sometimes still do take alot of blame for things that I really have no control over. But then I think, if things were to have worked out "right" for me. I would have graduated college a year earlier, I would have had a job in just about any state I would have pleased, and I would not be here today. Maybe that's not such a bad thing, maybe my path would have turned somewhere else, but it didn't.

I'm not sure where I'm going with all of this, I'm just writing for the sake of writing. Maybe there is a theme hidden in here that one of the few people who read this can find. I don't know. All I do know is that I am shifting my focus on my thoughts. I wrote to someone recently that I wasn't afraid of death, I was afraid of not being able to live my life. I still stand by this. Instead of focusing on beliefs written by others, instead of dwelling on past experiences, or making sure others are content or happy, I need to focus on myself. I need to focus on my health, my progress, my relationships, and my overall happiness. I am no longer trying to figure out if fate has chosen a path for me, or if I've missed a great opportunity here or there with someone or something(I'm specifically referring to one), but instead I am focusing on figuring out this life. What is here, now, love, health, and future career/school opportunities.

I still want to have my house in Michigan on a lake with my pack of wild dogs, and I wish I could be there now. The only thing was if I did have it now, I wouldn't truly appreciate it.

Sorry for the ramble, I love you all. I'll be home soon and I can't wait.

-Timothy


p.s. And I even started writing a book. I hope to have 50 pages by Easter!